I hate you so much
that I’d love to punch you
in your pretty face.
I love you so much
I hate we’re not together.
I know by now
everything is lost -
you are spoken for -
given away to someone unknown.
But at night I still think about you
with salty eyes.
I can’t forget
how much you mean to me
and I feel the grief inside me everyday.
I wish we could meet and forget what was.
I wish I could hurt you
so you can feel my everlasting pain
my endless love and hate for you.

Keeping in the boiling rage is the hardest part of the state I’m in.
This blinding hate and sadness that took over my mind
it’s like a vile beast waiting for a chance
a chance to breach my shell.
My discipline and quiet are rapidly fading.
Maintaining the illusion of my identity
is so heavy that it hurts every inch of my body and mind.
I am at the brink of sanity and still accelerating
to the other side
whatever might await me there.
I wish I was in another place
another time – and life.
But you who look at me and say you know me
you don’t see the mess that’s raging in my head.
My calm surface might crack here and there
but the eruption of my temper is directed to the inside.
Even if it was the fault of someone else
and I had all reason to share my mood with them
it’s simply not the way I am
and it’s not the way I want to be like.
I’m witholding everything in my core
handling my misery in silence
on my own and alone -
so in the end the only one who will suffer is me.

Emotions come and fade away
thoughtless wasting another day.
Hate and rage inside my head
lets me forget what my calm mind pled.
If only I could get back to a settled state
my shoulders would be relieved from this heavy weight.
Without such tensions I could be
thinking, acting – ulterior motive-free.
Locked within me in contends
until my thoughts are finally cleansed.
Guess there will be no place for me
until I found serenity.

I’m stronger than that, I don’t need you, and all I want is you to be happy. Focus. Talk to myself. Make myself believe it.
I wonder how naive you must be to believe that. Truth is: It hurts – deep down inside me.
What I hated most about that situation is that you made it look like it was my fault. Now I didn’t see it that way. After all it was you who suddenly showed me more affection then you used to show me. First it was just words but then you got physical. It wasn’t me who started that. I did want you as just a friend. However you gave me more than enough reason to believe there could have been more. My flesh was weak and breaking my resistance was piece of cake for you. You must have known that! After all I was desperate for love and closeness. You were so very lovely and you gave me what I yearned for so much – the feeling of acceptance and love by simply being who I was.
Finding out you used me to reassure yourself to find the courage and leave your boyfriend was the hardest part. And now you have the nerve to tell me that it’s not your fault that I fell for you.
You’ve got to be joking! (weiterlesen…)